In Which We Let Go

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Let's pause and reflect on the fact that it is still May 30th and I am posting Day 30 of Blog Every Day in May! Today's prompt simply said, "React to this term: Letting Go".

First Reaction: No no no no no no no! I refuse! I will hold on more tightly than I was holding on prior to this request to let go! I will NEVER LET GO! Why are you asking me to do this? This is going to ruin my life! What will happen if I let go? The world might end, you don't know! MUST. MAINTAIN. DEATH GRIP. ON. LIFE.

Ok, now that we've gotten through that, I can think more rationally about the phrase "let go". I am reminded of the Frou Frou song by the same name:

Let Go by Frou Frou on Grooveshark

 So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right '
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

If you can't tell, I am the worst at letting go. I'm not terrible when it comes to letting go of individual events; I don't tend to hold grudges because I think it's a waste of time and energy. I am not good, however, at letting go of things in my own past. I guess in a way, I hold grudges, but only against my former self (this sounds weird, haha). A perfect example is that I am still holding onto the horrible feelings I have about myself since I left medical school in 2009. Yes, 2009. It has been 4 years, 3 months, and 19 days since I signed the paperwork that got me out of my med school class. I am apparently still hating on myself for this decision that I basically had to make in order to save myself. ANYWAY, I'm bad at letting go of things I've done in the past.
Worse than that, I think, is my inability to relinquish control over a situation, especially when it's one over which I never had any control to begin with. The last few years have been an exercise in forcing myself to take things as they come, mainly because there is no other option, haha. I've been getting better at it, but I'm still not GOOD at it. In my therapy session on Wednesday, Danna said that she's never seen a patient suffer as much from understimulation than I do, which may be a reason that I obsess over things and feel the need to continually torture myself with what-if's. There is a big part of me that thinks that if I'm not thinking about something/trying to achieve something then I will immediately start backsliding and all the work I've done thus far will be undone. Or, if I'm not worrying about a situation or trying to control a situation, then WHO IS??

One of my goals in therapy is to exist in the moment, or at the very least, the present, instead of trying to see the future (impossible) or getting bogged down in the past (not useful). 

Letting go means trusting others, and that can be scary... but it doesn't mean I'm not trying! What does letting go mean to you? See what it means to others over at the link-up. And now, I have to get to my biochem class because I'm studying with a classmate before class at 5. Tomorrow is Friday! Whee!

- A

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