Motivational Potatoes and Minions

Monday, May 19, 2014

Sometimes, I really wish that could sell my life story to some TV network, because then at least all of this angst would be making me money instead of just making me crazy. After what was a weekend ups and downs, today has been nothing but anxiety. First, the weekend.

Friday after work, I went out with Pam, Patricia, and Patricia's friend Katie. We went to Sutton's Parlor for happy hour, then to Serafina's for dinner, where we took these photos:


This (unfortunately) blurry picture is of a sign over the hand-dryer in the bathroom. It says:


Please use this very efficient hand dryer instead of paper towels..

It will sanitize your hands as it dries them, using our special antibacterial soap and Ultra-violet rays..

Let's cut less trees... more green for the planet!

Thank you!

Serafina Management

I have so many questions. First of all, those aren't ellipses, that's just an extra period, and an ellipses isn't even necessary there. Second of all, ultra-violet doesn't need to be capitalized, and do we really want to be exposing our skin to more UV light? And wouldn't we be cutting fewer trees, not less trees? And then there's the usage of "very efficient" which I think is debatable. Anyway, this is Pam throwing serious shade at the sign.

And then after eating frozen yogurt and people watching, Katie, Pam, and I recreated the world's most awkward GAP ad.

Good times had by all... except maybe the models in the GAP ad.

After our photo shoot, I headed home because I am a hundred. On the way home, I got a call from our realtor. After the home inspection debacle, we canceled that contract, found 2 other houses, put offers in on them both, got one accepted, and started moving forward. We signed contracts on Wednesday, and then on Friday, our realtor informed us that the sellers for that house decided not to sign the contracts and instead took a second offer... so we were house-less once again. You'd think I'd be used to this by now, but I am not. We decided to investigate the second offer that we had simultaneously put in on a house identical to the one that had just been taken out from under us (literally was down the street from it), and left it at that. This is all complicated by the fact that our realtor is currently in California for a work trip, so she's 3 hours behind us. FUN!

Shortly after that phone call, I became suddenly violently ill, vomited everything I had eaten in the past 6 hours, and broke out in a rash across my face and chest. I took my temperature and it was around 100, which isn't a true fever, but my "normal" body temp runs around 96.7 degrees, so I felt like crap. And then my joints started hurting and I decided that I was just done for the night. I went to bed, slept like crap, woke up the next morning, and proceeded to spend the entire day in bed with a fever and joint pain. Fortunately, the rash had mostly disappeared, but no matter what I took, my temperature persisted at 100. It was gross... but at least I got to clear out the DVR? Now the only thing that's left on there is the entire season of The Walking Dead, the final 2 episodes of Helix, and a few episodes of Whose Line is it Anyway?

On Sunday, I woke up and thankfully felt much more like a human being, so Ken and I cleaned the condo and I went out with my friend Jenn for a bit. I returned the two pairs of pants to The Limited that were WAY too big, and also took advantage of their 50% off sale and picked up a new blouse and a necklace. After that, we went to Barnes and Noble for coffee and wandering, and then walked around Ulta for a bit until we parted ways so she could go home and I could run some errands. I had to pick up "calming pheromone spray" for Luna's trip to the vet this week (we'll see how that goes...), and then went to Target and Wegman's. After I got home, Ken and I made dinner and basically spent the rest of the evening watching TV and relaxing.

Also on Sunday, we found out that the sellers had accepted our counter-counter offer and that we would have contracts by today. In the interim of course, I had found 2 other houses that I really liked and wanted to see, just in case this one fell through. Not only that, we were starting to get concerned that we wouldn't be able to settle our USDA mortgage (which takes at least 30 days to process) by June 20th, which is when I'm leaving my job to start the summer program at the medical school. So, then I was trying to decide if I should try and stay at my job through June and switch into the online version of the summer program, which I am not even sure is an option. I can't imagine that my job wouldn't want to keep me for another month, seeing as we haven't hired anyone and we have only interviewed one person with whom we weren't entirely thrilled. I also can't imagine a real reason why Rowan wouldn't let me switch from the on campus program to the online program, but schools are weird. While I was freaking out about all of that, I put a call our to our mortgage broker to ask what his feelings were on the timeline and whether he could get everything processed in time. It was then that I found out that we were apparently not eligible for the USDA mortgage (which allowed us to put $0 down, which was lovely) because we made $1800 too much last year. Don't ask me how we were operating on the belief that we were under the income cap, because this guy had told us the income cap... so... apparently math happened somewhere and we were no longer eligible.

This is both good and bad. It's good, because conventional and FHA mortgages take a little less time to process than USDA mortgages. It's bad because now we have to come up with more money than we thought we needed to buy the house, so we might be back to looking. I emailed all of the numbers to our realtor and I'm waiting for her to call me back and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I talked to Ken and he did some preliminary math and we should be fine, but we have to do some accounting projections for the next two months to see what's going on. (Sidenote, I almost typed "projectile accounting" which would be a totally different thing that accounting projections, haha.)

ANYWAY. All that to say is that I've spent a majority of today having a meltdown about life, the universe, and everything. It didn't help that this morning, I had a dream about house hunting, and I spent the first part of my morning fighting with Quest Diagnostics, which is apparently where brain cells go to die. It's also commencement today at Penn, so campus and the surrounding area are a clusterfuck of insanity. It's been great. ::eyeroll::

However, in my freaking out, I was exposed to this via my dear friend Michelle:

 I have no idea where this thing comes from or else I would credit it to someone, but it's hysterical and I printed it out to hang it in my office. Michelle and I then had this conversation about the tiny potato:

Me: I just printed out the tiny potato and hung it in my office.
Michelle: A friend put it on my FB wall when I was having a bad day. I saved it because I found it highly effective. Glad to pass the motivational potato on to you. Kinda like playing hot potato, but better-- less burns.
"Motivational Potato" needs to be trademarked.
Michelle: Definitely.
And friends can slingshot a tiny potato at you from across the room if they suspect you are having a bad da... Wait that's a terrible idea.
Me: Ow.
Michelle: Motivational Potato: not to be slingshot at person needing motivation.
Me: Can the Llama of Excellence bring me the Motivational Potato?
The Llama of Excellence is a bit unreliable with food stuffs.
Me: Hm, good point. Non-perishable/inedible items only for the Llama of Excellence. Not so excellent with the food delivery.
Michelle: Good test scores : yes. Motivational tubers: no
Me: I feel like there's a flowchart for this sort of thing.
Yup, just stay away from the Rutabaga of Panic. (PS - This is what happens when I switch to nights and can't sleep.)
Me: Do you require the Profiterole of Somnolence?
Michelle: Hahaha, yup, exactly.

So, now I have a Motivational Potato in my office, and if you, too, require the Motivational Potato, please print it off and use it as you see fit. 

After the Motivational Potato entered my life, I then talked to Ken about the situation and was freaking out. At one point, I needed to momentarily excuse myself and this happened:

And no, Ken didn't just randomly assume I was leaving to go throw up; I had previously been telling him that I was so anxious that I wanted to vomit. It was a reasonable assumption for him to be making, haha. 

So yes, Motivational Potatoes and Accidental Minions happened today, along with 937 other things that were far less amusing and far more distressing. The world hasn't ended yet, and now is not quite the time to panic, at least not fully. I'm attempting to dial back the panic to something less akin to some apocalyptic occurrence, so far, it's not working so well. I'm going to dinner tonight with my friend David (who I know from undergrad) so I will have a glass of wine and try to enjoy myself and not worry about... everything. ::nod::

All right then. All I have to say is listen to the Motivational Potato... avoid the Rutabega of Panic, my friends.

- A

PS: If anyone out there wants to take a crack at drawing the Rutabega of Panic, be my guest. :)

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