You Must Be, or You Wouldn't Have Come

Thursday, May 15, 2014

I'm a weirdo, and my favorite Disney movie is actually Alice in Wonderland. This might be because when I was a little girl, I thought it was called "Alison Wonderland" which it is not, but even after I found that out, I still liked the movie. The book is also one of my favorites, and I've read it at least a dozen times. However, as much as I love the story, I've never felt compelled to go to Wonderland. In fact, I would like to stay far, far away from that crazy place. Right now, though, life certainly feels like I'm falling down a rabbit hole to who knows where.

There just aren't enough hours in the day, and there aren't enough days in the week... especially the weekend. Let's not go adding more days to the work week. I know that our culture has this idea that busy equals important, and I am more than guilty of being "so busy". I don't actually say how busy I am on a regular basis (unless I do and I just don't notice it... so someone correct me if I'm wrong, here) but I definitely feel like my life is constantly on fast-forward. But really, what do I do in a single weekday?

- Sleep as late as possible 7... 7:30... 8... depends on how late I want to stay at work that day
(thank God for flexible schedules)
- Drive to work
(35-60+ minutes, depending on traffic, construction, weather, stupid people)

- Drink coffee, answer emails, talk to doctors, mindlessly sit at my desk for 8 hours
(see also: Gchat, Facebook, Pinterest, reading blogs, blogging, etc)

- Drive home, usually while talking to someone on my Bluetooth
(At least 45 minutes, closer to 60... or more... see above)

- Make dinner, eat dinner, possibly watch TV while eating, clean up from dinner
(about an hour)

- Shower
(10-20 minutes, depending on whether I'm washing my hair)

- Lay in bed and read, watch TV, or surf the internet
(Anywhere from 1-3 hours depending on when I got home)

- Go to sleep
(usually by 11)

That... doesn't seem busy, to me. I think I got stuck somewhere between grad school and now, when I was working almost full time while attending school full time, living in my mother's house, and driving to NY every other weekend to maintain my long-distance relationship (with my now-husband). I was busy when I was taking night classes after working all day, and when I was studying for my MCAT and applying to medical school, but I'm not doing any of that now, so what the hell am I doing that makes me feel so busy?

I think it's in my head.

No, I mean, I think my brain is busy and so my life feels busy. So I asked myself, what would I do with an extra hour every day? 

- Sleep
- Read
- Knit
- Call a friend
- Do something crafty (like make a card or use my sewing machine)
- Talk with Ken
- Clean something
- Go for a walk
-Try a new recipe
- Write

So, since I seem to have some extra time on my hands, whether or not I know it, why am I not doing these things? Why, instead, do I choose to watch TV, which, while enjoyable, isn't very life-fulfilling or satisfying. A lot of the problem is that I have been having trouble focusing for long periods of time as of late. My brain gets tired and I find my thoughts wandering. In fact, I'm even having trouble writing this blog post, and it's not even because I have anything specific on my mind. I just am all over the place.

I know that in a few short weeks, my free time will all but evaporate as I start med school classes, and I'll long for the evenings that stretched out before me with nothing in them except DVR'd TV and reading and snuggling the cats. It will be replaced by textbooks and notes and late-night studying, and I'll think back to this time about how good I really had it. So why can I not grab this time now and use it? Even for fun things, I can't seem to get my brain in gear.

So really, it's probably not that I'm too busy. An extra hour wouldn't help me here. This is something else. I'm not sure what it is, but it's making me feel like time is wasting away and that if I don't watch it, my life will be over before I know it and what will I have to show for it?

What am I even doing with my life?  At this point, I'm not really sure, other than "going to med school" in a few weeks. I'm hoping that as my life shifts from "full time work" to "full time school" I'll be more sure in my place in the world. Right now, I feel like I'm in Wonderland, a place where it's almost like real life, but everything is just a little bit off, slightly unnerving, and at times, frightening. I'm not sure what's around the next corner and whether whatever it is will be friend or foe.

As the Cheshire Cat says, "We're all mad here."
Maybe that's something I'm just going to have to accept for now. At least I can try not to eat or drink anything while I'm here...

- A

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