I Can't Today.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Today is not going how I thought it would be going, and I'd like to submit a complaint to the management. Mercury is so retrograde right now it hurts. Just have to make it to Saturday.

How I Thought Today Would Go: Wake up for an invasive procedure at a doctor's office (we'll just leave it at that), blood work, therapy, studying until I fell asleep, went to class, or died.

How Today Is Actually Going: Woke up for an invasive procedure at a doctor's office, blood work, therapy, found out my car had been towed from a handicapped spot because my placard had fallen down, locating my car, paid a $21 cab fare to get across town to rescue my car, paid $175 to get my car back, found out that I had to drive back across town to contest the towing and the ticket, parked, walked to the other office, waited in line, was told that I can't contest the towing or the ticket today  but that I could schedule a hearing, couldn't schedule a hearing because my ticket wasn't even in the system, drove home in the rain, ate gross fast food for lunch, threw every piece of change in my wallet all over my car, and then sat in this Starbucks and tried to restrain myself from standing up and screaming, "THAT'S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS!" when a lady sitting next to me was trying to convince another lady to try some natural products and included the phrase, "Yeah, tapeworms have a good amount of protein."


1. Tapeworms are parasites, you shouldn't voluntarily ingest them.
2. Tapeworms are designed to live in your GI tract, unharmed, so no, you can't digest them... otherwise, we wouldn't have this problem.
3. That is not how science works. Or life. Please go home.


So yeah, that's my day. I'm also freezing and exhausted and I have to cram so much information into my head that while in the cab on my way to wherever the hell today, I wasn't wearing my seatbelt and actually thought, "Well, if I die in a fiery car wreck, at least I don't have to take this exam tomorrow."

Welcome to crazytown, population: Me.

Or, as I said to someone the other day, "I am on the Struggle Bus to Struggle City."

Fortunately, I have since ingested a warm chocolate chip cookie and a latte, so I'm doing much better than I was before that. Also, here are some things that are good:

1. My name isn't Phillip Phillips.
2. My car has heated seats.
3. I found a bobby pin in my purse so I can keep my bangs out of my eyes.
4. I found a seat at the Starbucks by 2 outlets. TWO.
5. In 21 hours, this exam will be over and I can drink heavily relax.
6. My kitten thinks I am the best thing in the world. Ignore the fact that he thinks this because I am the one with the food.
7. I just got a coupon for 50% off everything at LOFT and I'm going to order this dress because I need it in my life.
8. I don't have bed bugs. Or any parasites, for that matter.
9. I have a massage scheduled for Monday. I hope she doesn't mind if I pass out and drool on her table.
10. Pam sent me a picture of this llama:

And in case you're having a day like mine, here's an adorable porcupine eating a pumpkin. I want to hug it, but that would probably be the worst life choice I've made yet. Yes, even worse than that time I got a graduated bob.

Okay, I need to go study now, because this binder is my best friend. The kind of best friend that you want to light on fire and throw out a window. Yeah, that kind.

Send help. And caffeine. And for tomorrow, wine.

- A


  1. That sounds like a crap day.

    But I like llamas.

  2. You are absolutely adorable. I laughed through this post, not because of your awful day, but because you're hilarious. Keep blogging!

  3. Aw, thanks! I'm glad that you enjoyed my post and that it made you laugh. That's one of my favorite things! Hope you stick around for more fun! :)

  4. It was totally a crap day... but I lived to tell the tale!

  5. So, funny story... I just followed your blog the other day because of the llama! I also followed you on Twitter b/c of your Monty Python quote. Glad you stopped by!

  6. Hooray!!! You're the second person to follow in Twitter just because of Monty Python! Love it!!


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