Closer to Fine

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line.
And the less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.

- Indigo Girls, "Closer to Fine"
Hi. It's been two weeks (not nearly as catchy as the Barenaked Ladies Song from 1998... wow, that was a long time ago) and I'm back. In my absence from this little corner of the internet, I've been very busy doing nothing related to school. After finishing my gigantic cumulative physiology exam the Thursday before spring break, I briefly collapsed into a pile and then took an exotic tour of the midwest to see some of my favorite people. (Don't worry, a recap of that trip is forthcoming.) I also spent some time with my dad and stepmom, who came up to visit from Florida. Note to self: 5 days with your dad and step-mom, even if they're cool, is too freaking long. 3 day maximum on the house guests from here on out.

And now we're back into the swing of things. Or... at least a reasonable facsimile thereof. I'll be perfectly honest, I am already behind in studying, but I guess that's just my perpetual state of existence with regards to med school. There are 53 days left in the school year, and only 39 of those are school days. There are 7 Mondays left in the first year of my medical school experience. Someone stop the madness! (But really, don't stop the madness because this year needs to be over so I can relax a little.) It's also been 3 months since the insanity of what was eventually my miscarriage began, and between the 900 babies that were apparently born over the weekend and the pregnancy announcements flooding my Facebook wall, I'm a little sensitive right now.

In fact, pause. It's April 1st, also known as April Fools' Day, also known as the second most hated day of the year for me (second only to the day that Daylight Savings ends). I have always hated April Fools' Day and I will always hate April Fools' Day. I used to hate it just for the sheer stupidity of the day, and how it seemed to give people carte blanche to act like absolute jerks. Now I hate it even more because of the inexplicably popular April Fools' prank: The fake pregnancy announcement. I don't know who decided that creating human life was a joke, but news flash, it is not. And fake pregnancy announcements? NOT FUNNY. It's not cute. It's not funny. It's not innocent. 
It is hurtful. It is cruel. It is a heartbreaking reminder for people who can't have children, who are struggling with infertility, who have lost babies to miscarriage. Miscarriage and infertility are often silent struggles, and your "harmless prank" designed to shock your family and friends might be hurting someone that you love. So just don't do it, okay? Okay.

You might think that after 3 months, I should be able to laugh it off a little more easily. I can't. I don't think I ever will, and that's okay. But, I am, as the Indigo Girls so wisely said, closer to fine. I listen to a lot of satellite radio in my car, and I have been hearing this song a lot lately. I'm sure that's just coincidence and Sirius Channel 76 (The Coffee House) needs to mix up their playlist a little more, but every time I hear it, I sing along and try to mean it when I say, "The closer I am to fine". Real talk, I'm a control freak. An answer seeker. I love data more than I love most things. So when something happens that is seemingly without cause, like a miscarriage, I basically lose my mind. What do you mean things like this just happen? There's nothing I can do to prevent it from happening again because we don't know what caused it in the first place, and even if we did, there's a million other reasons that it could happen again.

Fortunately, data is on my side in this one, and most women who miscarry (less than 5%) have a second miscarriage. Of course, I know many people who had a second loss, but less than 1% of women have a third consecutive miscarriage. I can't even entertain the idea of a second loss at this point, because I might never get pregnant ever again if I scared myself like that every day. Instead, I am choosing to focus on being closer to fine. 
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and talked about how I feel like I should be "better" already. As usual, she had a lot of good things to say, but this stuck with me.

"We'd all like to give people that gift of being 'okay'. But this is a major trauma that happened in your life, and you don't have to be okay yet. They don't need that gift. You are where you are, and that is okay."

So no, I'm not fine. But I'm closer to fine. And that's how it is.


  1. Not only do I not find them funny -- they're so overdone!! And I completely agree, you don't have to be okay. You're not okay, and that's okay.

  2. I agree; at least people should be original! I don't really like pranks in general, but I think that if a prank is pulled, it should be funny and harmless. (Fake pregnancy annoncements are neither.)

  3. I too loathe April Fools' Day. Roar.

    Sending you love. <3

    1. Well, least we don't have to deal with it for another year! <3

  4. I literally didn't even know that was a thing. Who the heck thinks that's a funny April Fools prank? Some people, man.

    1. I don't know, but LOTS of people do it. Some people, man... for real.


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