So Here's the Thing

Friday, July 31, 2015

Hi there. Posting has obviously been quite sparse around these parts. Some of that is because it's summer, and in two days, what is effectively my last summer off ever in the history of my life will be over. That means I'll be glued to my school laptop again, only instead of screwing around on the internet, I'll be learning pharmacology, pathology, and all of clinical medicine. (Okay, let's be real, I'm still going to do a fair bit of screwing around on the internet.) So yeah, it makes sense that I wouldn't want to be attached to my laptop all day, every day when I don't have to be, and it's times like these that I'm glad that I don't depend on my blog for any sort of income, as it means that I can leave you alone here for 2 weeks and not starve.

So here's the thing. It's a lot of things.

A lot of my reticence is coming from a place of... fear? Discomfort? A feeling of being unsure and unmoored? I am not really sure. I haven't felt inspired, or funny, or helpful, so I didn't say anything. I was afraid that whatever I did have to say would sound stupid, or useless, or whiny. I felt a weight of needing to write "pin-able content" that was also entertaining and "on brand" (whatever the hell my brand even is is beyond me at this point). My perfectionism was creeping in and stepping all over my writing abilities. And for awhile, I let it.

Two of my favorite bloggers, Janelle and Nicole, both had good things to say about this kind of stuff.

From Janelle, at Saaybe Says:

"Imperfection is interesting. More importantly imperfection is honest. It breaks down walls. When I admit my imperfections I implicitly make it safe for you to admit yours. When people are honest with each other that builds community. And that is why I write on this blog; to create an authentic community. To create real fellowship. I don’t want something shallow. I want the real thing."

And from Nicole, at Just the Elevator Pitch:

"The point of this post is just to remind you to cut yourself some slack. With blogging, with your career, with your bathroom, with life. Don’t stop working hard but if you are working hard, that’s all you can expect from yourself."

Smart women saying smart things is one of my favorite things about the internet. Right up there with cats pictures and videos of baby goats and Amazon Prime.

So partly it was summer, and partly it was perfectionist tendencies, and partly it was too much weird internet pressure, and partly it was because I thought nothing I have to say was helpful or entertaining. 

That last bit? Probably true. I've had a lot going on this summer, mentally and emotionally, almost all exclusively dealing with the fact that I am still not pregnant. I struggle with how much to share of our journey (I hate that term... it's so corny when I use it, I think) to having a baby. A lot of my classmates read this and some of my family reads it. Moreso than that, I worry that you, lovely readers, don't want to hear about it. The medical procedures, the science, the heartbreak, the weird and unspoken knowledge that this is all about my reproductive parts. (Here, internet! Let's talk about my uterus! HURRAH! Yeah, that's weird.) 

But then I remember how people responded to my post about my miscarriage and the grief that followed. I remember how many people reached out to me and said that they felt less alone, or who thanked me for sharing it. And hey, Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan just announced that they're expecting a baby girl and talked about how Priscilla suffered 3 miscarriages prior to this. I know for myself, I spend a stupid amount of time scouring the internet for stories that look like mine, looking for that glimmer of hope that someday, I'll also be writing a post about how now that we have a baby, all of the trials were worth it. I know that I am not alone, even when I feel like I am, and I want to believe that maybe someone else out there is looking for my story because it matches theirs. 

Because of all that, I've decided to post intermittent fertility updates, along with what I hope will be semi-educational posts about fertility, trying to conceive, and the medical side of baby-making. The internet is already full of glamorized sex; I'm going to drop some science on you all. (Yikes, did I just say, "Drop some science?" Send help.)

I tell people all the time that trying to get pregnant is a friggin' science project, and I'm only half-kidding. Even if you're doing it the "old-fashioned way" there's a lot more to it than you'd think. It makes you wonder how anyone gets accidentally pregnant at all! I promise this blog isn't going to turn into The Vagina Monologues of The Chronicles of Trying to Make a Baby or anything weird. There's still going to be plenty of other stuff here. But this is my life right now. This is reality.

So, here's to telling perfectionist tendencies to shove it and to giving myself a break. To being real and raw and messy. To being okay with "the thing" being a lot of things. To being okay with fear and trepidation. To science.

And to all of you, who keep coming back here to read my words. Nice to see you all. You're doing a great job and your hair looks really nice. 

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