Sh*t Med Students Say

Monday, December 14, 2015

It's finals week, which kind of doesn't mean anything because every time we have an exam, it's like we're studying for finals anyway. But this week contains the last exams of the fall semester, which means that assuming I don't burst into flames, somehow start failing everything, or die, on Friday at noon, I will be 37.5% doctor.

Last week, I was MIA because I had three exams on three consecutive days. It was a blast, let me tell you. By Wednesday, I was so fried that when I pulled the card to perform a complete cardiac exam in my Physical Diagnosis practical, I started by listening to lung sounds (as we were told to do), and then just... completed most of the entire pulmonary exam, only realizing my mistake when there was a minute left on the clock. Pro-tip: You cannot perform a full cardiac exam in 60 seconds. Fortunately, the grader in the room with me took pity upon my poor, addled, 2nd year med student brain, and said that it was fine, just keep doing the pulmonary exam, it didn't really matter anyway. So I did. And I honored that freaking practical, so suck it, cardiac exam.


Anyway, this week, it's all nephrology and urology, all the time. Kidneys are pretty much my least favorite things in this world. I swear, every time I've learned about renal physiology, it's like it's a brand new experience. Somehow, I always feel like I have never heard any of this information before, beyond maybe knowing the words "nephron" and "loop of Henle". Every time, I realize about 37 seconds after starting to listen to the lecture, that I friggin' hate renal physiology, and I could not possibly care less about which parts of the nephron are permeable to water or where potassium gets secreted or where sodium gets reabsorbed. I just don't care. I know that I need to care. I recognize the value of my kidneys and that I should understand at least when things aren't going correctly, but... I'm just going to refer you to a nephrologist, so it's really hard for me to care. Also, it's 3 days from the end of the semester, so I am absolutely out of fucks to give at this point. Somehow, I shall scrape the bottom of the barrel and come up with a few more to last me through Friday at noon, but it won't be easy.

So instead of studying the enormous pile of papers that represents most of what I need to cram into my head this week, I thought about all of the lies I tell myself and things I've said or thought on a regular basis now that I'm in med school. Some of them are particular to DO school, while some, I'm sure, are said by medical students throughout the world.

1. I'm definitely going to get up early and study tomorrow.
2. Getting three hours of sleep before this exam will be fiiiiiine.
3. This will definitely be on the test.
4. There is no way this will be on the test.
5. Someone else probably wrote that down.
6. That's a dumb question. Don't ask it during lecture. He'll probably answer it later.
7. I am definitely going to lecture this block.
8. Next block, I absolutely will not spend the first week doing nothing.
9. OMM is easy, I can study a few days before and be fine.
10. Wait, do we have to know all of this? Was I even alive for this part of lecture?
11. Oh, cool. 198 slides. That's a completely reasonable number of slides for a 60 minute lecture.
12. Do you want to get food?
13. I can't study in the library, it's full of crazy people.
14. I think I was in a fugue state for this part of the block.
15. Yup... those are words.
16. Why do these printers never work?
17. 8 am lecture? What do they think I am, some kind of wizard?
18. I never thought I'd miss my office job, but man, I miss my office job. Even the IRB stuff.
19. I'm paying so much money and for what? To be tortured. HURRAH.
20 Don't think about your debt... la la la.
21. More coffee is definitely the answer.
22. Maybe you should start drinking more water instead of coffee?
23. Well, at least I'm not as behind as (insert name here).
24. Well, at least we're not first years anymore!
25. Shit, now we have to take board exams though.
26. That is a problem for Future Alison.
27. Damn it, Future Alison is quickly becoming Present Alison.
28. I wonder how much money I could make as a goat herder...
29. Okay, exactly how many hours do I have between now and the exam?
30. Wait, how am I supposed to do (OMM technique) without hitting my patient in the face?
31. I have no idea how I got so far behind in this block.
32. Okay. That's it. I am officially out of fucks to give.
33. Fuck it, we'll do it live!
34. It's a two part plan. First, we show up. Then, we see what happens.
35. Is this real life?
36. What in the fresh hell is going on right now?
37. God, I can't stand my classmates.
38. Holy shit, I love my classmates.
39. Can you treat my neck/back/innominate/carpal tunnel real quick?
40. No one has ever died from med school. Right?
41. Med school is so freaking weird.
42. Med school is amazing and hard and insane and there is nowhere else I'd rather be.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled studying.

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