Blogger Men Tell All: March 2016

Thursday, March 31, 2016

This blurry selfie brought to you by my stupid, Go-Phone. Womp.

I'm currently up to my eyeballs in geriatrics studying for my exam tomorrow, but I wanted to link up with Becca for Blogger Men Tell All before I forgot! And so without further ado... Ken!

Popcorn lover’s day is March 10! What’s your favorite popcorn flavor?

I always forget that popcorn comes in other flavors until I'm in some specialty popcorn store, which is usually about once a decade.  So I'm going to go with "salt and butter".


What is the farthest you’ve traveled? 

That would be to California for our west coast honeymoon adventure.

Have you ever dyed your hair? If not, what color would you dye it?

I haven't dyed my hair but I know someone who wants me to ;).  Left to my own devices I would definitely dye it blue.  You gotta have blue hair.

Wife comment: I only said you should color your hair because it's going grey and I love your dark hair! Also, I have never heard you say, "You gotta have blue hair," before, and now I'm a little confused/concerned. 

How are you doing on your New Year’s resolutions?

...was I supposed to be doing something?


If you want to link up with us, you still have time! Grab your husband, boyfriend, brother, dog, mailman, whoever, and have them answer these questions. Then head over to Becca's blog and post your link!

Blogger Men Tell All


Dear Baby: Letters to the Ones I Never Held

Thursday, March 17, 2016



These are letters I wrote to our babies we never got to hold in our arms. I didn't know if I would ever share them, but it feels right to put them out there now. I have been writing to our Baby Girl, as well, and I'll be sharing those letters here at a later time.

***

Dear Baby,

We barely knew that you existed before we were worried you would leave us.  I found out on a Monday, December 15, 2015, that you were there, and two Wednesdays after that, I thought I might be losing you when I saw a few tiny drops of blood in my underwear. I had blood drawn and we saw you on the ultrasound that day, and we were so glad that you looked okay. Except you weren’t okay. It took 3 more weeks after that, but you probably had never been okay, not even on that day we saw you at the end of December. By the end of January, you were gone, out of my body; I felt like I had lost my heart as well. It took almost two months for my body to get over losing you, but my mind still hasn’t healed. I carry you with me, in everything I do. I think about the little person you would have been. 

When your due date came and went on August 26th, my heart felt as heavy as my arms felt light. Everyone says that I never have to forget you, but I don’t know many people who understand how impossible that would be, like it was even an option. I don’t know why, but you dad and I were convinced that you were a girl. It doesn’t matter who you were; we will love you always, and we will never forget you. Never.

I didn’t know why this was happening. I still don’t know why it happened. I had been so thrilled to know that I could get pregnant that I never thought that I could have a miscarriage. I wrote about losing you, and slowly, women began to come out of the woodwork. So many had lost their own babies, and even more people I knew had known others who had lost theirs. I had felt so alone, but I wasn’t. I was surrounded by other women, other families, who were broken and hurting and feeling alone. I decided that I would tell my story, our story, as many times as I needed to so no one else would ever feel as alone as I did in that moment.
I will always miss you. You will always be my first baby, even if I never got to hold you in my arms.
                                                                                                               
Love always,
Mama

*** 

Dear Baby,

You were the result of fertility meds and our second IUI. On the day that we were supposed to bring home the baby that we conceived in December, we found out that you were here. We were so happy; we said that our first baby had sent you to us, to make sure we wouldn’t be too sad on my original due date. That was a Thursday. On Friday, the nurse told me that my lab results were good; I was definitely pregnant! Four days later, I had more bloodwork drawn. It was not good news. Two days later, more bloodwork, more bad news. You were leaving us.  A few days later, it was all over. In less than a week, we had gone from the highest of highs to the lowest low. It all happened so fast, my head felt like it was spinning. My body recovered quickly, but my heart still hurt. Continues to hurt.

I began to think that there was something wrong with me, with my body. One miscarriage was awful and painful and bad luck, but an absurdly high percentage of pregnancies (some say between 25% and 40%!) end in miscarriage. Two miscarriages made me even more suspicious of my usually-disobedient body. I made an appointment with a reproductive immunologist, despite the fact that it’s considered “snake oil” by a lot of reproductive endocrinologists, including my own. I had lab work done, and it came back that while my antiphospholipid antibodies were negative, my natural killer cells were elevated. I know these are all really big words, my baby, but it means that sometimes, according to my immunologist, my body has the capacity to attack a tiny embryo because of a variety of reasons. I hated to think that my body was the reason you couldn’t stay. Once again, we’ll never know.

Even though you were only a part of our lives for 6 days, you left a mark on us that we won’t forget. You went back to be with our first baby, wherever you are. Mama and Daddy love you, baby.
                                                                                                                               
Love always,
Mama

***

To anyone trying to conceive and finding it far more difficult than they anticipated, are dealing with infertility, or are struggling through the heartbreak of a miscarriage, know that you are not alone. Please reach out to someone, and if you feel like you have no one, then reach out to me. I'm here to listen.



Oh, Hey There

Monday, March 7, 2016


Tap, tap, tap... is this thing on? 

Hello! It's me. I've been wondering if after all these -- oh, wait. No. That's not right. Sorry.

Anyway, I'm back. A few things have happened since I last wrote, so I figured that a good old "Currently" post would be helpful. But first things first.

We're having a baby!!!
If you follow me elsewhere on social media, then you totally know this already, but I figured an official announcement on the blog is necessary. Baby Girl (!!!) is due June 19th, and we are over the moon to be growing our little family. This photo was from around 22 weeks, and the bump has been continually growing. I'll be sure to do a photo montage of the pictures I've taken thus far, and I'll be doing some weekly bump-dates here now. I have so many thoughts about being pregnant and having a baby, so I apologize in advance (not really) for the upcoming baby posts. I promise, this won't turn into a mommy blog, though. Pinky swear. 

Now that that's out of the way... on with the show!

CURRENTLY...


THINKING about the fact that there are 53 days left in 2nd year, 39 of which are school days, and 8 of those days are exam days. There are also 93 days until my board exam, which is moderately terrifying.
FEELING
 TIRED. Growing a human is exhausting, and med school certainly isn't helping. Fortunately, this past weekend was full of sleep and relaxing, so hopefully I can make it through this week. Also, I'm feeling lots of kicks and who knows what else in there. Baby Girl is very active these days, and I love it.
READING
 blogs. First Aid for the USMLE (even though I'm taking the COMLEX). Consumer Reports and reviews of baby products, because apparently, this is my life now.
WATCHING HOUSE OF CARDS!!! Ken and I just started the 4th season last night, and we managed enough self control to only watch 3 episodes. So good. I'm also still watching Criminal Minds, SVU, How to Get Away with Murder, and Scandal. I started watching Blindspot, but I'm pretty far behind, so I only watch it every once in awhile. I'm trying to get together my Netflix/Hulu list for this summer when I'm home for 12 weeks with the baby. Suggestions welcome!
TRYING
 to muster up the motivation to really kick my boards studying into high-gear. I need to start banging out the questions from UWorld/ComBank/ComQuest, and getting more micro in with SketchyMicro. If anyone is interested, I'll post my upcoming study schedule, and how I'm using CramFighter to stay organized. 
COOKING as many times a week as possible. We got into a habit of eating dinner out once a week, and decided to quash that, so now we don't really go out as much, and more often than not, if we don't cook, we order a pizza or go to Panera or something. We try and reserve our dinners out for time with friends, rather than, "Ugh, I am not in the mood to cook." Also, we're great cooks, so eating at home is awesome.
EATING all the cheese. So far in pregnancy, my food cravings haven't been that bizarre. From weeks 4-6, all I wanted was hummus, which was hysterical because I never liked hummus before that. I don't know what it was, but I could NOT eat enough hummus. In fact, I MADE my own hummus, that's how much I was eating. Now, I'm eating cheese, peanut butter, fresh fruit and veggies, and trying to cut down on the sweets (but chocolate has been calling my name!)
DRINKING orange Fanta, which is also weird. I had occasionally had orange soda in the past, but since being pregnant, it is the only soda I really want. This is convenient, because Fanta is caffeine-free and although I haven't sworn off of caffeine entirely, I don't drink as much as I did before, mainly because I don't need it. I'm also trying (operative word) to drink 3 liters of water a day. So far, it's not going well.
LOVING maternity clothes. Stretchy pants forever. Although if someone could invent maternity jeans that don't fall down, I would kiss them on the mouth. Or at least pay them a significant amount of money.
DISCOVERING more podcasts that I love! My list of "must-hears" now include Lore, No Sleep, Serial, Chilling Tales for Dark Nights, RadioLab, Tanis, and The Black Tapes. If you have other suggestions for weird, creepy, sci-fi, horror, or generally interesting podcasts, leave them in the comments!
ENJOYING the weather. I think we finally had our last snow of the season a couple of weeks ago, and this week, the temperatures won't be below 60. Aside from the inundation of pollen that is sure to follow, spring sure is nice. (Of course, now that I've said that, it will snow 3 feet this month.)
HOPING that everything with this pregnancy continues to be good. So far, things with the baby have been great, and she is doing awesome. Keep growing, little one!
LISTENING to podcasts! And recorded lectures. And sometimes the radio. But mainly podcasts and recorded lectures.
CONSIDERING buying my own domain name. Anyone have a preference for which site to buy through?
STARTING to get the house ready for baby! I decided to rearrange the living/dining room, put a mantel shelf over the fireplace, and am trying to plan for a gallery wall downstairs and some other photos around the house. We'll be painting the nursery over Ken's spring break, the furniture is ready to be picked up, and my baby shower is May 15th. Time is flying!

And now, you're basically all caught up! I'm going to try and blog more frequently, so check back around these parts for an update soon! I missed you guys!

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